Sometimes they don’t Understand
TW: sexual assault, rape, reporting, telling someone, etc.
Sometimes my friends ask me questions, like why I have such an aversion to yogurt. I tell them it is a trigger for me and that have learned by now that that means it triggers a memory of my sexual abuse. I think the texture of yogurt is a lot like the texture of male cum. So, I avoid yogurt. More times then not, they move on, because they don’t understand. They don’t understand that although this happened about 8 years ago, that I am still not over it. I think they expect me to react to this more like a really bad break up or something; mourn over the lost relationship or lover then get over it. But any of you that has experienced sexual assualt/abuse, knows this is just not the case.
This used to bother me until I realized something. There is no way for them to relate to this situation, to empathize, because thankfully, none of them have experienced sexual assault. They can imagine, but they will not grasp the plethora of emotions that plague the mind, body, and heart, or the memories that flood back sometimes at the most inappropriate moments. But as one survivor to another, be thankful for this.
Be thankful that they have not and hopefully will not have to experience this trauma. But also know this, just because they haven’t experienced this, doesn’t mean that they can’t help support you. A GOOD FRIEND will listen to you, hold you, be there for you, and if they can, find other resources to help you through your weak points. However, if they refuse to help you and support you, find someone who will.
You are strong enough to conquer this, but don’t forget that strength comes in many forms, including finding someone to help you sometimes. Pull from all your resources to help you survive this, because after all… you are a survivor, not a victim.
lets-blog-about-sex-baby: [Trigger warning: abuse, sexual abuse, mention of rape.]
There’s many aspects of relationships, both good and bad. Obviously, we lean towards having relationships where the ratio of good to bad favors the good side over the bad. Sometimes, however, that doesn’t always happen, and people can end up in abusive, controlling and manipulative. One of the ways people can cause relationships to become any one of these is to use sex as a means of abuse, control, or manipulation. These kinds of relationships are sometimes hard to spot, even if you’re the one in the relationship. We often let certain things our partners do slide, simply because they’re our partners, and we don’t even realize it until it affects us consciously. The first thing in breaking a sexually controlling, abusive, or manipulative relationship is to recognize that you’re in one. (Please note that this is for people of ALL gender identities, not just those who identify as male/female.) Does your partner often ask you to do things sexually multiple times, even though you’ve stated you don’t want to, and doesn’t stop until you do them?
Do you often have sex or do things sexually with your partner out of guilt (say, if you’re not “in the mood,” but they are, and you do it to please them without truly wanting to or consenting)?
Do you often lie to your partner about being satisfied or wanting to engage sexually because you are afraid that they will get angry with you? Does your partner often get angry with you when don’t want to do sexual things to the point where you’re afraid or threatened? Has your partner ever guilted you into having sex with them for something they think you did wrong? Do you feel like you have to have to sex with your partner in order to keep your relationship?
Does your partner say things like “you don’t love me if you do this” or “if you don’t do this I’ll___?” Are you often anxious or afraid when your partner makes sexual advances?
Of course, these questions are not the only ones to ask yourself and review, but anything similar is something to consider. A yes to even one may indicate that you’re in a sexually abusive relationship, and addressing that is the first step. The next is to proceed with what you’re going to do about it, and how safe you are doing so. If you’re in a relationship where your partner is violent, uses violence during sex, or is continuously threatening violence or shows excessive anger, approaching the person directly may not be safe for you (and even if it is not, if you feel like you would be in danger in any way, do not approach the person directly.) If you can talk to a friend, a family member, co-worker, anyone who can help, please do so. There are many hotlines out there for people who are experiencing abusive relationships and who need help getting out. If the relationship you’re in is NOT a physically violent one (and I would consider spousal or partner rape violent, so the above guide will pertain to those situations) and you feel safe with approaching the person about how they’ve been handling your relationship, then do so. It can be hard, rough, and emotional, but nobody deserves to be in an sexually abusive abusive relationship, even if the abuser doesn’t realize they’re being abusive. The biggest deterrent you will probably face in getting yourself out of an abusive relationship, or changing your abusive relationship into a non-abusive one, is people close to you telling you to “just let things work themselves out” or your partner trying to convince you there’s no problem or filling you with false promises of change while keeping the behavior the same. It can be hard to get yourself out of your situation when so many people are telling you to “roll with the tide” or that you’re overrating, or when you’re partner is using your emotions to keep you where you are. You always have to remember that, no matter what, YOUR feelings matter, and if you’re in a place where you are being harmed, controlled, or manipulated, it is your express RIGHT to not be subjected to such treatment. As always, feedback is wonderful. -P
I am having a hard time with this picture. If you need to cry… then cry. By holding in the tears, and probably all the emotions and thoughts that go with you, you aren’t helping yourself or anyone else. It takes a lot of energy to ‘bottle things up’, including tears. It wears a person down. It fatigues you…
Instead.. cry… it’s okay. It is NOT a sign of weakness. Being able to admit that you can’t handle everything that life throws at you is a sign of strength, not weakness.
Also, crying is cathartic and a stress reliever. It is a healthier habit to take on, but if you are crying all the time and it is disrupting your daily life, then I would seek help. Perhaps not professional, but talk to someone.. a friend, parent, teacher, counselor, guardian, someone. Let them help you.
1. Men rape women because they feel low self-esteem and they are unable to get approval, thus they must resort to force to get sex, and they enjoy destroying females who make them feel affection and/or lust, which they are afraid of, cannot control, and wish to wipe out of existence.
2. Thus, it is nonsense to “teach men not to rape”. If you want to prevent rape, let’s work on a culture and philosophy that teaches people to love themselves in a proper and healthy manner, and makes them objectively lovable to others (and perhaps a philosophy that would encourage women to report when and if they get raped?). Also, there aren’t any special tips on how not to get raped, just use common sense. The only thing I have ever heard is that you shouldn’t take a shower after you get raped because that would destroy possible evidence that can be used against the raper.
3. Fundamentally, rape is done by the raper, but (brace yourselves ladies!), it is possible to do dumb things which make you easier to rape, which you should not do, like walking in a bad part of town alone late at night, or getting extremely drunk at a party with a bunch of strangers. No, it’s not your fault you got raped, but there is such thing as playing it smart and playing it dumb. And the same rules apply to men—no walking in ghettos at 2 a.m. on a Friday, no getting extremely drunk and doing something stupid.
4. THE END. (No need for “slut walks”, and I am sick of seeing that crap.)
Terminate her, Immy take on rapemediately.:
I agree with your number one to some extent, but there are many reasons why men ( and women) rape. It my case, it was more about the power my abuser had over me and his over physical strength which he used to his advantage. Furthermore, he is was my boyfriend, where he even told me that he was entitled to sex and sexual intimacy that included more then just intercourse, regardless of what I wanted. This is partially because of peer pressure, what society teaches, and how the media reinforces this idea.
Regardless if this a task that seems useless/hopeless, by not trying to teach our men ( and women) not to rape, is just a bad idea. You immediately assume that the person you have survived their sexual assault already had low self-esteem, which may not be the case. Many emotions and thoughts occur during the event and especially afterwards. I agree that we need to help these people realize they are more than their abuse/assault, but we also need to teach people not to rape. What you are doing right now.. is victim blaming, which does no one any good. as for tips about how to prevent rape, here is a few:
You are right! Rape is done by the Rapist! But what you saying is that people should constantly live in fear, just in case… that is no way to live.
And four, well…how about to read the stories, watch the news, and hope that you never have to experience the things that men and women have gone through. Don’t ridicule someone for fighting and using this trauma to speak out via slut-walks and stomp-and-holler events. That are being BRAVE and COURAGEOUS for not sitting home, wallowing in sorrow and self-loathing, but have decided that they do have a voice… and perhaps, they are trying to be the encouraging person to tell other people to speak up. The slut-walks are so much than just a bunch of people walking around.
But, if you are tired of seeing this stuff… then don’t search for it, don’t follow people on tumblr, change the channel on the tv. You CAN choose to ignore it… but that won’t fix anything.
Nice Guys Don’t Ask For Sex as Reward
“Nice Guys” =
passive-aggressive hetero men
deem themselves deserving of sex
men are taught their proper pursuit of sex will be rewarded
NOBODY OWES ANYONE SEX
If a “Nice Guy” is really a nice guy, then they won’t ask for sex as a reward after doing something that is pleasant for someone else. A nice guy will genuinely do nice things for someone because they care about that person, they have a heart and are genuinely kind, and like making other people happy. In my personal opinion, this behavior does need to be reinforced/rewarded, but it doesn’t have to be through sex or sexual intimacy. A thank you should be sufficient, but cards, flowers, taking them out to coffee, whatever… is equally as good.
You are right, nobody owes anyone sex, but the men who think this ( and women even for that matter) are not ‘nice’. If they are participating in this, they are being manipulative and rude. They are a wolf in a sheep’s clothing.
“I got raped. I just want to die.”
I know that this is hard.. and traumatic, but let me tell you, that something like this isn’t worth dieing over. I know how you feel.. I have been in the same situation, but decided to be a survivor. Find strength in other things and don’t let this stop you from following your goals and dreams. Don’t let this negative event define you.
I’m Not Always Strong
This blog is here for you guys more than it is for me. It is suppose to remind you that to find strength within yourself, by things around you, and take/get help when you need it. That it does get better, that no.. you don’t really get over it, but the way you deal with it changes as you grow stronger. But today’s post is about sometimes.. even the strongest of us have our days.
TW: Rape, sexual assault, body objectification, alcoholism.. etc
In this past week, there was trigger day, or at least.. a segment of the day. In my Psychology of Women class, we were being shown a film (documentary) about the objectification of women in music videos, treating them as objects, defining them by their bodies, etc. The images and music videos did NOT bother me. However, later they shown footage of the images portrayed in these music videos being acted out in the streets.. and that bothered me. I couldn’t look at the screen, I was put back in the dark space.. and the screaming of the people it was happening to only further put me in that place.
At first I was so caught up in my own misery that the rest of the world was falling away. Then I realized that this was happening, and I just go so angry. Angry at myself for letting myself fall into that dark space. For not being strong enough to fight it this time…That anger lasted for a an hour or two. In the midst of this, my boyfriend says ” You are stronger than your pain, remember that.” For some reason, it pulled me out of it. I think it was partially because he was not condemning me for slipping to my pain like I was, but reminding me that I have conquered this before and that I can do it again.
If you get nothing from this post, take this:Strength sometimes comes from fighting those same demons over and over again. Strength comes from the will and drive to not give up on yourself.
I had to be reminded of this. It IS battle worth fighting over and over again. If I had let this conquer me, I would not be the woman I am to day. A woman who had went after the things she wants in left and who continues to fight for those dreams.
Followers.. and anyone else reading this; it’s okay if you slip sometimes. It’s okay if you have moments of weakness, but pick yourself up, dust off, and focus on the greater things in your life.